I spent tonight at youth group in tears. Tears of complete sadness and disappointment - in myself. Towards the end of youth group one of the “elders” took me aside. She took me to look at the groups of people doing our nightly activities.
On the first group that was playing a game - she said, “Look at how they’re all participating - all age groups, having fun and learning.”
Then on the second group that was doing crafts, she said, “Look at how they talk - they never talked before, but being here they became friends.”
Then she took me in the stairwell and told me to sit down. She was telling me what youth group was about, the participation, the people, how we should be acting, etc…
She didn’t think that I was doing what I should be. I had so much to say to her, but I couldn’t, I was using every bit of my strength to keep from crying- I would not let anyone see my tears. She finished, I nodded, then I hurried to the bathroom where I spent the next 20 minutes.
I refused to let anyone see me cry.
Then once everyones voices were gone, I peaked out the door to make sure it was clear. I grabbed my purse and headed for the door. There were kids running around everywhere, and parents trying to get them into their cars. Nobody spoke to me.
I got into my car and turned on the ignition, then I heard a tap on my car. My youth leader Jeremy came over to me. I opened my door to see what he wanted. He said, “Hey are you ok? I saw you guys talking then you running to the bathroom.”
“Yeah I’m fine.”
“Ok, and if you weren’t you’d tell me right?”
“Of course”
“Alright bye”
“Bye”
Then I shut my door and clicked my seatbelt in. I already had tears coming down my face. I cried the whole drive home. But I still didn’t want anyone to see me cry. I pulled over at the park and turned my car off. I sat there crying - trying to figure out what was going on. Eventually I wiped my tears and drove home, where I headed straight for the bathroom - so no one could see me cry.
I don’t know what has been going on with me lately. I don’t feel like myself and I’m not acting like myself either. I don’t know what it is or how to deal with it. Tonight when I was driving home I just wanted to turn back to the church and cry out to Jeremy - “Something’s wrong, I need your help.” But I couldn’t, I just couldn’t.
I thought about maybe stopping by somebody’s house to talk, but I couldn’t think of anyone - I thought about coming home and calling someone… but I haven’t…
This is me - down - hurt - confused - crashed and burned - ready to heal - and I don’t know what to do next.
This may be a little vague cause I haven’t talked to anyone is awhile, but there has just been a lot going on lately… so yeah, if anyone wants an update just ask or something.