So, I’m totally bored right now.
I didn’t do much today. Woke up, got online, took a shower, got dressed, did my hair, went bowling with Jessica and her mom and sister. Ate a hotdog. Came home. Got online. Talked on the phone. Went to Dorsey with Sam and got some drumsticks. Came home. Went to church. Played the drums and sang. Came home. Got online. Went to the park to meet up with Chris and Jessica and Chris’s cousin (who wouldn’t stop spitting) and Jessica’s sister. Then I came home. Got online. Called Sam, talked to him. Got off the phone. Got online. Called Sam back. Got off the phone. And now I’m online again.
How eventful huh?
I was so bored that I went on to noderats blog and read some old entries. One quite disturbing one about this dream he had about Jessica. And I felt bad for him. It’s amazing the stuff you can find out about people when you read old blog entries.
I was just sitting around thinking today. And I was thinking about my life. What’s going on? What am I doing? How is this going to affect me? I thought about my friend Sam. And how well I’m getting to know him. And I do like him. But I don’t want to hurt him. I’ve been a pretty lousy girlfriend in the past, and I need to change. I hope him and I stay friends though. He really is cool.
Chris… well well… I talked to him the other night. It was Tuesday night / Wednesday morning. It was interesting. It’s funny how once you get some questions answered you seem to come up with more questions. Or it’s just the same question with different words, and you keep asking because you want a different answer.
I started reading this book, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.”
It’s good. I really enjoy it. It has already taught me a lot.
We’re supposed to be having a lake party tomorrow night. I hope it’s fun. I hope I can go, I haven’t even asked my parents yet. My parents have been really non-strict lately. It’s nice. Maybe it’s cause I’m almost 16. I feel bad for my sister though. Cause they treated her a lot more harshly when she was this age. But then every child is different, and no matter how hard we try we treat people differently. Even parents with their own kids.
When Chris and I were talking the other night, I asked him what I could do that would make him come back. And he said that if I sent him a plane ticket that he’d come back. And being as dumb as I am sometimes, I was seriously thinking about it. I went and searched the internet for plane ticket fares the next day. It would cost close to $200 just for a one-way ticket here from Michigan. If I was rich I’d probably do it. But I’m not rich. And if he really wants to be with me then he’ll come back, eventually…
Do you ever feel like people are just lying to you? Or rather “sugar-coating” a situation to protect your feelings? When I was with Chris I didn’t really do that, which is odd cause I do that all the time. But even the other night as I was talking to him online, I told him that I had something to say, but was terrified to say it. And his repsonse was something along the lines of “just say it, we’ve come too far now to hold anything back.” So I said it. And he didn’t get mad, he didn’t flip out.
Is honesty really the best policy? YES. Why not be honest? Why have anything built on a lie? It’s pointless. Be open. Be carefree. By all means - yes, make sure you say what you mean, and be as nice as you can with it, but make sure you get the point across! Stop beating around the bush!
A true relationship can with stand anything. But honesty will help it to that point where it’s love. Yeah, you can love somebody after a day with them, or a week (or 2), but once you’ve had all the relationship stuff, once you’ve gone through all the messy stuff, that’s when your love grows, and it deepens. That’s what seperates new couples from ones that have been together for awhile. How deep the love is, what you’ve gone through.
Now this is the point of my entry where I would go on a personal rampage and start analyzing my life with this state of mind that I’m in. But I’m not ready to share myself with the world on this stuff, it’s personal. And yeah, I don’t really keep secrets from my friends. But this isn’t your typical type of secret. These are deep dark emotions that I only tap into every once in awhile. And those aren’t the types of things that I share. Unless I had that one special someone, who wanted to know - But I don’t have that, but it’s ok. I will someday.
In that book I’m reading - “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”
They talk about how men figuratively are from mars and women from venus. The comparison is that we came from two seperate worlds. Once we finally came together, everything was fine. They learned about us, we learned about them - and we all got along. Our differences weren’t a problem, we could still bond, and it was beautiful.
Well then we decided to come to earth, and once we did that then everything changed. Cause suddenly we didn’t get along so well, and there was chaos. That’s as far as I’ve gotten, but I’ll be sure to update on the book as I go. Maybe it will have some good tips in there for us all.
My mind is drifting back to my past. And I’m remembering all the mistakes I’ve made in relatioships and what not. I can’t help but just think that I’ve been such an idiot. Of all the things that I could have done better. If I had been honest and not kept my feelings inside… if I could have been myself.
I can’t believe myself sometimes. I hide myself so well some days. I believe that everyone has a deeper side to them that is waited to be explored. They just need someone who cares enough to want to know about it. That’s why love is so great. The unconditional I want to know everything good and bad about you I’ll love you no matter what kind of love.
I’ve learned a lot from past relationships. And one of the hardest and most difficult to accept was the leason that the past is past. It’s hard to let everything go… But what is worse? Having to let go of something so bad that it makes you cry, or having to let go of something so good that it makes you cry? It’s hard to not remember all the things that hurt you and make you feel weak. But it’s also hard to let go of something that was seemingly perfect, cause it was right in front of you and just taken away.
All of this was just completely random, and congratulations if you actually read it all, later.